Friday 18 July 2008
Tuesday 8 July 2008
I'm Alone
There are so many things I've been thinking about lately; what will my future be like, will I ever find someone to love, will I ever be able to accept the fact that I'm different. These are questions all people ask at times. I also have some unique problems - or at least they are unique from a straight persons perspective, but I'm not straight.
One thing that has been on my mind is the question many transsexual people ask: will I ever be able to pass? Currently, when I look myself in the mirror I see something that is not a woman. That mirror image is supposed to be me, but it doesn't feel like me. Passing is very important to me, very important. I'd do anything to get surgery to fix my face. I feel so ugly.
Another thing is infertility. Because of hormones, I'm pretty much infertile. I didn't want to freeze my sperm - ugh, sounds strange; my sperm - but now I have second thoughts. Should I have done it before I started on hormones? I know it feels weird, the thought of being someones dad, but I'd still want children that were my own. I do hope that someday medicine has advanced to point that I can get pregnant.
Third thing that has been bothering me is my friends, and how they act around me, how they talk about me. Actually, most of my friends are heterosexual males. You can imagine what that can be like. They don't really think of me as a woman, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not part of the group anymore. Do I even want to be one of the boys?
So, as you can see, I have many things on my mind lately. This is just a list of the things that bother me the most. I'd really like to know what to do, but I don't even have the energy to do much anything. I used to live inside my mind, in an imaginary world, but I can't do that anymore since I'm an adult now. Life is so complicated sometimes.
One thing that has been on my mind is the question many transsexual people ask: will I ever be able to pass? Currently, when I look myself in the mirror I see something that is not a woman. That mirror image is supposed to be me, but it doesn't feel like me. Passing is very important to me, very important. I'd do anything to get surgery to fix my face. I feel so ugly.
Another thing is infertility. Because of hormones, I'm pretty much infertile. I didn't want to freeze my sperm - ugh, sounds strange; my sperm - but now I have second thoughts. Should I have done it before I started on hormones? I know it feels weird, the thought of being someones dad, but I'd still want children that were my own. I do hope that someday medicine has advanced to point that I can get pregnant.
Third thing that has been bothering me is my friends, and how they act around me, how they talk about me. Actually, most of my friends are heterosexual males. You can imagine what that can be like. They don't really think of me as a woman, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not part of the group anymore. Do I even want to be one of the boys?
So, as you can see, I have many things on my mind lately. This is just a list of the things that bother me the most. I'd really like to know what to do, but I don't even have the energy to do much anything. I used to live inside my mind, in an imaginary world, but I can't do that anymore since I'm an adult now. Life is so complicated sometimes.
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